Things Every Vegan Should Know

1. Asking people to minimize animal cruelty is useless because on some level they will end up hurting animals. So, just let people support inherently cruel practices. Eating meat every day is okay because you’re going to step on a bug in the future.

2. Championing the cheapest, most widely available diet on the planet makes you elitist. Some of the poorest people on Earth are vegan because they have no other choice; it must be very expensive.

3. The occasional indulgence in nut or soy products that mimic animal products is more unhealthy than eating animal products every day. Eating mostly fruits, grains, nuts, legumes, seeds, and vegetables is more unhealthy than eating pizza and hotdogs all the time.

4. Harvesting wheat kills animals, too. So we should eat animals that have been fed grain. No, that can’t possibly mean that more grain is harvested and more animals die. Animals are stupid anyway.

5. Talking about animal rights means shoving your beliefs down people’s throats. Forget about the victims; keep your mouth shut. All the time. Never mention being vegan or you’re annoying. If someone offers you meat, eat it, because that’s the polite thing to do. Ignore that it goes against your morals and will give you the shits because you haven’t eaten it in years.

6. Not everyone can be vegan. We need meat to survive, that’s why all the vegans are dead. If someone somewhere can’t be vegan, animal rights are ridiculous and you don’t have any responsibility to minimize animal cruelty.